Bitter is My Memory
by Jonathan Priest
Summary: SIII-Chris has returned with the True Water Rune, but the loss of her father has settled a deep sorrow within her. She seeks to speak to the only person who might understand and the one person who has every right to hate her. Luce. Please R


A/N: I came up with this story idea some time ago, but with my other projects it sort of took a back seat. Anyway, this is the finished project of my idea, hope I pull it off. So if you read, please let me know.

Dedication: To anyone's who's ever lost anyone of importance in their life.

Disclaimer: Suikoden is not mine, and I lay no claim to it.

Timeline: After returning from the ruins where Chris gets the True Water Rune.

Suikoden III

Bitter is My Memory

The intruding silence that smothered every crevice of the Silver Maiden's chamber lay heavily upon the young woman's mind, offering little comfort as she dwelled upon the events of the past few days. It was not at all like her to think or consider events that could not be changed; dwelling on such lingering doubt was, after all, a futile waste of effort. Yet what had seemed to be the tenth time in as many minutes, she found her eyes fixed upon the tattoo that had emblazoned itself upon her right hand, tracking the delicate pattern with her finger as she let out a long, dragging breath of something akin to regret.

Since her return from the ruins, a sheltering veil had fallen about her, separating her from the rest of the world. It was a staggering notion that the unseen gem within her body would preserve her; keep her ageless until the end of time itself. Her comrades, her battles, perhaps even her beloved country would all fade to history and she would live to see it all happen. The thought was daunting as a shudder wracked her body in the uncertain, yet understandable fear. For even a will of iron would bend under the inevitability of it all.

Unconsciously she raised her hand and rubbed the rawness of her eyes, confused in part at the moistness she felt there. She had been crying, for how long she did not know, and that disturbed her, for the knight's captain and was not supposed to show tears. In truth, she had not wept since that day so many years past when she learned of her father's disappearance. She was after all, a knight, a soldier and a warrior; she was not made to cry. And yet, with this simple stroke of fate, she had lost all power over her life and had become nothing more than a puppet of God's will. Were her tears not therefore justified?

A final shudder had escaped her lips as she straightened her rigid posture and swiped quickly at her yes. Indeed, her distress was warranted, but she would shed no more tears. War was not meant for the weak of heart, and that, she decided, was what this had become. For the uncaring power granted unto her would not defeat her, and she stared angrily at her hands that rested upon the table, flexing and squeezing her fingers in silent defiance. She would not be defeated.

But, as her mind moved slowly beyond her current conflict, another, more prominent regret had settled itself upon her once more. Indeed it seemed, her life had been filled to overflowing with regret over the past many months, but she had at least known how to rectify this current swelling of self-pity.

Rising with determination, Lady Chris took three long strides and swiftly opened the wooden door of her chamber, startling the young man who stood dutifully outside his lady's room. Smiling slightly at the sight of the young squire, she made a mental note to thank him later for his ceaseless efforts. Per her instructions, not a soul had visited her since returning from the ruins, and she was certain he had turned them all away. Lord knows, that the last thing she truly needed was Boris' coddling for the newest burdens laid upon her.

"Louis," the captain said, her smile coming uneasily as if she had forgotten how to do so as she spoke to the young man, "could you do me favor?"

"Uh…anything milady," the young knight in training said, bowing eagerly as he seemed greatly relieved that his charge had left her chamber, at least partly.

Nodding and ignoring the obvious gratitude for being given the task, Chris continued. "Could…you send for Lady Luce?" The words came hesitantly, and for a moment Chris had doubted that she herself spoke them, but regardless, the squire had responded in kind.

Confusion had outlined every line of the young man's form, yet he recovered quickly and bowed in response before turning to fulfill his captain's request. Watching the young knight in training depart only briefly, Chris returned to her chamber and closed the door, giving a few steadying breathes as she worked to calm her unsettled nerves. Fear was nothing new to her, after all, any warrior admitting to not being afraid before going into battle was a liar, but this was a different fear all together. For this was a fear of the truth, a truth that could literally shatter worlds.

She quickly pushed aside the looming doubt her decision had built within her mind and busied herself making tea, yet as the gentle knock sounded upon her door, the worry had resurfaced in kind. "Enter," she called simply in a voice that sounded foreign and strained to her ears as the wooden barrier was pushed open, allowing the young squire to enter.

"The Lady Luce, per your request milady," Louis bowed, stepping aside to allow the confused Karayan homemaker to enter before leaving and closing the door once more.

"Thank you for agreeing to come," Chris said, unaccustomed to hosting and stumbling with the proper protocol. "I…made some tea. It's Zexen style, but I hope you won't mind."

The overtly courteous nature of the woman known as the Silver Maiden however caused the Karayan to become immediately suspicious as she watched the knight fumble with the silver-serving tray. Placing it on the center of the table, Chris motioned for the dark-skinned woman to take the seat opposite her.

With cautious movements as if waiting for the trap to be sprung, Luce moved with cautious steps, taking the indicated chair before the Silver Maiden sat down. Silence however seemed to fall between the two, as Luce took in the décor of the captain's room while the other woman seemed intent on adverting her eyes from the childless mother.

After a moment or two of awkwardness, Luce settled her eyes upon the woman before her once more, noticing with an unsettling reality how nervous she seemed. Clearing her throat to gently call the knight's attention to her, Luce broke that heavy stillness that had settled about them. "I'm not very familiar with Zexen traditions Lady Chris, but I feel you called me here for something other than tea and silence."

Taking one more large, calming breath, the captain turned again to face the woman before her, nodding simply yet slowly, as if she were to about to undertake the most difficult task of her young life. "There is a saying in Zexen, that the ghosts of our pasts will one day come to haunt us. I…wish to make peace with those ghosts…"

The look gracing the heavier woman's face was one of mixed confusion and apprehension as she nodded slowly for the other woman to continue.

After a moment of renewed silence, the Zexen continued. "I was at the Karaya village the night it was burned, and it was my order to commit that act," Chris replied, her hands fidgeting nervously until she occupied them with the tea pot, yet still her hands shook unsteadily as she served the steaming cups. Looking once more at the woman across the table from her, she was not at all surprised to be met with a mixed gaze of pain and anger than creased the woman's face.

Nodding to herself as if expecting the reaction, Chris passed a cup of tea to her guest as she continued. "It never should have happened, but in battle, confusion is the fuel that feeds chaos…"

"Battle?" Luce whispered, her words harsh and disbelieving at the terms she heard from the knight captain. "Innocent women and children died that night…my son…" the words were cut off by a half-sob ripped deep from within the well of grief that had resided within the woman's anguished soul as the painful memory was brought once more before her.

Chris dropped her eyes back to the table and continued on with her confession. "We had only arrived in the Grasslands to sign an armistice with your tribes. Despite being soldiers, we had still longed for peace. Then, during the celebration, the Lizard Clan attacked us from out of no where," the captain said, shifting her eyes to focus on the distant wall as if recalling the memory that still haunted her nightmares. It did not need to be spoken, as it was prevalent in her eyes that every horrific sight, every panicked sound was currently replaying itself in the captain's mind, the images forever burned within her memory.

"We were cut off from the rest of our troops, and so to break the stranglehold on our knights, we raided your village. We figured news of the attack would spread, and your people would return to the village and allow our knights to escape. That…was the plan at any rate."

Taking a large sip of tea to fight back the dryness that seemed to plague her mouth and husky tones that settled within her voice, Chris continued. "I'm not telling you this to justify our…_my_ actions, but I think you have a right to know."

Luce stared through moistened eyes in shocked denial at the woman before her, afraid of what that confession would give her…and what it would take away. "The right to know what?" She asked, her words a slight whisper as if she feared what was to come.

Lowering her head and averting her eyes from the Karayan, Chris continued. "You should know how your son died…and…who took his life…" the last words came out as little more than a bare whisper, yet it spoke volumes to the woman seated across from the captain as her latter's body heaved with an unspoken sob. The grief that now filled the chamber, the grief of one who took an innocent life and the one who lost the life of that loved one had seemed to bond to two women in the tragedy of that night. Yet, for what it was worth, it was a bond neither had ever wanted.

"I was near the entrance of the village, when I heard the hasty footsteps approach," Chris continued, fighting back the memory of that one horrific deed with all she possessed. "The next thing I recall, is seeing the body of an attacker fly out of the shadows at me. It was instinct, nothing more than that that caused me to draw my sword. I didn't even have time to parry the blow, I just…reacted."

Chris could no longer find the resolve to hide the clouding of her eyes from the memory, largely a response to the grieving sobs that wracked the body of the mourning mother. "He, was just a child…" Luce wept, confusion pouring from her incoherent words as she hid her face in her hands, her body shaking with every grieving howl of desperate loss that poured from the shattered remnants of her heart.

Chris wanted desperately to reach across the table, to comfort the grieving mother over the tragedy she herself had done, but was not sure how to handle this level of grief, neither was she naïve enough to believe the woman would accept her support. "Why…" the word echoing from the mother's shaky voice seemed to hold more meaning than the Silver Maiden had ever given it credit for. "Why did you tell me…_White Hero_?" Luce said, throwing the words at the captain as if they were a weapon. Indeed Chris felt the sting far worse than any physical attack she had suffered. "Why make me relive that night that took my son? Was it to justify your actions? To clear your conscience?"

Chris shifted her eyes once more, looking at her hands resting on her lap as if they were the most interesting things in the world. "As I said," her words came unsteadily, startling her again once more at how weak she sounded. She was not known for her frailty; at least she never showed that part of herself to her companions. But her own regret and mourning for the young life she stole that night made her so. "I felt you had the right to know."

Gazing mournfully at the other woman through her red and swollen eyes, Luce felt the anguish and pain resurface, and for the silent moments that stretched between them, the Karayan pondered if that pain would ever leave her. "How can you be so cruel as to make me relive my loss?"

Chris sighed again as a single tear burned a path down her cheek, as she remained firmly committed to her decision. Yet she would not raise those eyes to the mother whose child she took away. "There has been so much loss, for both Zexen and the Grasslands. So much hate for so long that it's hard to imagine we were once one country. You have every right to hate for the tragedy that took your child," Chris said, pausing as another tear joined the first, her shoulders slumping slightly forward to accommodate the unseen weight that had settled itself upon her. "But if you choose to hate someone for those events, then you should not hate the Zexen people, not my knights, but me. It was my fault, my responsibility and my failure that took your son from you."

The grief that had resurfaced within Luce had abated only briefly as she stared at the younger woman, curious as to her intentions. "Again, why do you tell me this?"

"Because," Chris said once more, fighting back the emotion that had unknowingly rooted itself in her heart. If she truly considered it, the grief should not have been so surprising, not after all that she'd been through these past several months. Yet still, she was baffled by her lack of control over it. "I want peace between Zexen and Grasslands. I want to stop the hate between our two nations, and stop the killing and the grieving," she paused to raise her eyes to the Karayan before dropping them once more to settle upon her lap. "So to do that, if I must, I will harbor that hate. If need be, I will allow myself to be the object of that hate. After all I've done, I do deserve it."

Perhaps it was the grief over the loss of Lulu, so raw and tender within her soul, but Luce could not help but be moved by the strength and conviction of the other woman's willingness to sacrifice her own happiness for that of her countrymen. The way any mother would sacrifice her own happiness for that of her child. "I am only one person Lady Chris," Luce responded, the sorrow seeping once more into her words. "Telling me won't change the decades of distrust between our lands. Even this war, even as our two armies fight side by side, it cannot erase that."

"Maybe not," Chris replied, raising her face to reveal her own red and sorrowful eyes. "But it's a start."

Luce looked on in suspect uncertainty as she weighed the words before standing, leaving her untouched tea on the table and turning towards the door. "Yes," the older woman said slightly, breathing several times to try to get her emotions under control, her back still facing the captain. "It's a start. You know, I had prayed everyday to the spirits to deliver the person to me who stole my son. Now that I know who it is, I really don't know how to react. I pray Lady Chris, to all the spirit, that should you ever have children, that you never suffer the loss of that child. No mother should go through that." Another sob escaped her lips once more as she reached for the door handle before being called back by the captain.

"Lady Luce," Chris said in a near panic as the Karayan's fingers graced the door handle, causing the dark-skinned woman to pause. "I…also asked you to come for another reason."

Hand sliding from the door, Luce turned slightly to scrutinize the young captain. She wondered briefly what more the knight could confess to further invade her mourning spirit. Yet when she looked at the younger woman, she couldn't help but realize how small and fragile she truly looked. Barely in her early twenties, the role of captain was taking an obvious toll on her. But there was something else besides her duty, something deep within her blue eyes that screamed painfully as if the young woman were nothing more than a scared and lonely child wrapped in the skin of an adult.

The hesitation was enough, as Luce could not find the heart to leave the captain's pleading eyes. "There was more you wished to speak on Lady Chris?"

The younger woman nodded, this time neither able nor willing to fend the clouding of her eyes as he raised her right hand to stare at the tattoo that had permanently fused itself upon her otherwise flawless skin. "I was wondering," she asked, her words hitching in her throat with the upcoming request she wished to voice. "Well, that is…I've spoken to Sergeant Jordi…about the Karayan warrior…Jimba…" at the sound of the name however, Chris' voice gave out and she took several moments to regain her composure.

"Sergeant Jordi told me that Jimba stayed at your house…that he was your surrogate son?" The hopeful words of the often-immovable Zexen caused the older woman to take a few more tentative steps into the room as she pondered the line of thinking of the knight.

"I know I have no right to impose upon you further…especially after all I've already told you," the captain said, her words dying in her throat as she allowed her own sob to shake her body. The tears now came unbidden to the young woman, but she cared not for her own dignity. Though she was a captain, a leader, she was still human, and had lost so much, experienced too much over this conflict to allow herself to remain in control. "I…I was wondering…hoping really, that you could tell me…about my father"

The pleading, begging eyes of the young woman beckoned the Karayan forward, a slight smile pulling at the edges of her lips as she gazed at the captain through her own clouded orbs. Moving toward the side of the table, Luce rested her hand on the Silver Maiden's shoulder before taking the tea kettle in her other hand. "I'll make us some more tea," she said through own sorrowful words, as the genuine, compassionate smile painted the woman's features.

A half-laugh, half-sob escaped Chris as she stood and faced the Karayan, mouthing her words of thanks as her voice no longer held the strength to verbalize her gratitude. Taking the Zexen's hand in her own and giving a firm squeeze of understanding, Luce set about making the fresh pot of tea for what she knew would be a long conversation.

End

A/N: It occurred to me that you might wonder how Chris knew Lulu was Luce's son. Well, take it for granted that that was what she also spoke of to Sgt. Joe. I had planned a scene in the story to explain that, but it just didn't fit. So…anyway, if you've read this far, please be kind enough to review. Thank you and hope you enjoyed it.


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